Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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