p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
