between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
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how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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