you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
