Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
