He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize