Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
