I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
