My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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