: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize