If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
