I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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