Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
