you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
