i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
