Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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