Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
