If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
