Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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