Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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