what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
