Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
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Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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