you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
