Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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