remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
