dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
