I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
