God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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