I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
