does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
