it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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