Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
