I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
