She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
