I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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