I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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