My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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