dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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