I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
...so i touched it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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