On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
