Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
