Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
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No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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