was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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