Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
