i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
