he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm bleeding and have questions
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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