if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
