I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
try to milk me bitch
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
