I wish I only lived at night.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
