I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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