Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
