someone threw a dead crab at me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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