You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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