fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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