if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
