some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
