I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
