the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
kristin has been a bad kristin
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
