Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
