I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
